Tamriel Data:A Dunce in Morrowind, vol. 8

Book Information A Dunce in Morrowind, vol. 8
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A Dunce in Morrowind, vol. 8

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A Dunce in Morrowind, v8
by Frolja Silver-Blood

Eventually, our boat had crashed into some poor elf's Netch farm or something, and we were both freed from our predicament. An elf lass came to untie our ropes and take us into her home, while the guards came to apprehend the lizard, and my axe was returned to me. I made a joke about the lizard's luck having run out, on account of the lizard telling us all about the luck enchantments he'd used, but obviously Remyn had some sort of temporary hearing loss. I made sure to keep telling him the same joke throughout the day, as I didn't want him to miss out - it was the least I could do!

Now, Remyn was clever enough to convince the guards, magistrates, and everyone important, that all his misfortunes the past few days had been because of that lizard, because elves will believe anything bad about lizards. So all his money and debts were restored, his name cleared of all charges, and we were able to travel back to Stoneforest for free. Remyn had learned to defer to my more educated judgement now, and no longer corrected me about the names of elf towns like Stoneforest. It's a shame that the elves in Stoneforest were less open-minded, and also rude and uneducated, but it's a sad truth about elves - they're very quick to judge others!

And I had quite a good time in Stoneforest as well! It is a town where the beer flows freely, and the Hlaalus like Remyn do their governmenting and thieving and whatever else they claim to do. But of course, eventually, all my affairs were in order, I was compensated by the Imperial guard for apprehending the lizard assassin, and I was ready to return to Skyrim. My travel had been arranged to Solstheim - there's a boat from Khuul, should you have any reason to go - and then to Skyrim.

And so on the day I was to leave, with my meager possession with me, I waited at the Silt Strider docks for the big bug to arrive, and watched the sunset Sun Set, while attempting to read various magical tomes as part of my education. And it was then that Remyn approached me.

"Ah, Remyn!" I said. "I haven't seen you since that assassin attacked us on the boat! It's been a long time!"

"It's been three hours." He said.

"So, come to say goodbye, have you?"

Remyn paused, and took a seat on a crate of strider urine beside me. "Is it true?"

"Is what true?"

"That assassin said you're part of the Morag Tong. You never actually told him he was wrong." Remyn paused. "Did you really kill that Telvanni councillor?"

"Ah ha! That old rot. What do you think, then, hm? Do I seem like the assassin type to you?"

"You don't. But it's worth making sure. And you're still not actually denying it. That lizard made a good point. It doesn't make much logical sense for... Niptickler, to have ended up there if it wasn't for you to use it."

"Ah, but don't you see the genius of Niptickler yet? It's the perfect weapon because it can't be used against you! A thief will steal your weapon and try to attack you with it, but as you saw, they just damage themselves in the process!"

"Yes. It is intensely stupid and yet it worked. But if you didn't bring it to Ald'Ruhn, how did it get there? I suppose it must have been the witc-"

"Oh, confound all this talk of witches! It was not a witch who stole my axe!"

"...I don't know how you can still believe that."

"Because it's true!"

"No." And something changed in my long-time companion's face at this. He became more certain, more resolute. "No, it was a witch."

"I beg your pardon?"

"It was a witch. The 'comely lass' was a witch. She was feared by the townsfolk. She had a camp full of skulls and potions. She was known to practice magic. And when you awoke, your clothes were missing, and so was your special axe, which is what witches famously do in Morrowind, to Nords. I ask you to look at the evidence. There was nobody else in the camp that night. You slept in her tent. She was the only person with the means, the motive, and the opportunity to steal your axe. How could someone steal your clothes if they weren't casting a spell on you, as well? You were, logically, robbed by a witch. This woman fits all the criteria for being a witch. It must have been her."

"Now, come now, Remyn! You know I'm much smarter than that."

"No, you are not. You think you couldn't be robbed by a witch because you're not a stereotype, but that just means you're a stereotype with delusions of rarity. You were robbed by a witch. I will not co-operate with this insane view of things anymore. Over the past few days you have gotten me into dangerously stupid situation after dangerously stupid situation on account of your ignorance."

"Ah, but who's ignorance got you out of those same dangerous situations?"

Remyn fell silent.

"Eh, Remyn? Eh?"

"I do not understand how you poison everyone around you like that. For a moment there, I thought what you said actually made sense."

"Ah ha! But it does make sense! You just don't want to admit it to yourself!"

"I don't want to admit it. I don't want to accept a view of the world that agrees with what you've just said, or anything you've ever said. You really believe you're an educated man just because you work at the College of Winterhold? All you've done your entire trip is prove that wrong, over and over, and over, and I cannot possibly fathom how you still think yourself intelligent."

"Just like on the Snowhawk!"

And Remyn opened his mouth to speak, as the Silt Strider arrived in the dock. The passengers all boarded the dock, and one of them - a comely lass - noticed me, and approached me.

"So sorry - are you the Nord I met a few days ago?" She asked.

"Ah, I recognize you! Remyn, this is the comely lass who isn't a witch!" I said. Remyn stared. "You know, we were just talking about you!"

"Oh, wonderful! Yes, I recognize you! You were staying at my camp outside Khuul! I was so grateful to meet someone who didn't believe all those awful rumours about me! Imagine believing I'm a witch!" She turned to Remyn, and offered her hand. "Hello Remyn, it's nice to meet you."

"You too, outlander." Remyn shook her hand, in silent shock.

"It was so awful what happened, you know." She turned back to me.
"Why, when that attacker invaded my tent, I did everything in my power to fight him off, but he stole all your belongings, including that enchanted axe of yours! He even somehow removed your clothes while you were sleeping! I kept all your things in this bag just in case I ran into you again!" And so she handed me a leather sack with all my important belongings in it.

"Ah ha! You see Remyn? And thank you, lass, I'll make sure all the scholars of Winterhold understand the hospitality of strange women in Morrowind to Nords!" Remyn didn't respond. He hadn't reacted to anything for a few minutes now. He was probably just in some sort of coma.

"Say, you saw the attacker. Who was it?"

"Well... I think it was an elf. A Dark Elf, I mean. And... you know what? I think it was a Telvanni!" She paused, and thought about it. "Yes, I'm certain of it!"

"How would you be able to tell?" Remyn said.

"Well, I hate every Telvanni I meet, and this man was a Dark Elf who I hated and was good at magic."

Remyn was stunned at the sheer validity of this woman's logic.

"Ha! Strange that a Telvanni would do something like that, eh?" I said.

"No, they're pricks. I think they should all die."

"And also, he left a Telvanni ring behind. And when he introduced himself to me before attacking me, he said his name was Ardas Telvanni. He also kept shouting 'long live House Telvanni' at me when attacking me, which was how I got away."

"...I see." Remyn paused. "Pardon me, I don't mean to be rude, but if you wouldn't mind answering a question of mine."

"Oh, of course not!"

"You live outside Khuul in a camp, yes?"

"Oh, yes."

"Filled with skulls, potions, spell books, and other things that make the locals fear you, yes?"

And she huffed. "Oh, I know, I know. They all think I'm a witch. It's ridiculous, isn't it?"

"It would be a reasonable assessment."

"Oh, it's just more provincial small-town thinking, that's what it is. Strange women can't live outside town in a camp full of skulls and magic and be a little unique or different without being considered a witch, or frightening, or evil, not in those backwaters anyway."

"Then forgive me for asking." Remyn said. "But if you're not a witch, then why do you live in those conditions?"

"Oh, that's easy." She said. "I'm a necromancer who worships Mehrunes Dagon."

"...I see." Remyn did not seem to know whether to be relieved or not. "And perhaps that explains why the Telvanni would attack yo-"

But Remyn stopped. He looked at me for a moment. "Sera, if you would be so kind... may I look through your bag of recovered belongings?"

"Ha! By all means!" And so I handed it to Remyn, and turned back to the woman. "So, worshipping the old Mehrunes Dagon, eh?"

"Well, I figured he was the hottest of the Daedra Lords."

Remyn finished looking through my belongings. Well, I don't know what he saw in there, but he looked quite solemn afterwards when he handed them back to me.

"I apologize for the misunderstanding, Sera," he said to me. "I feel everything is quite clear now."

"It is?"

"Forgive me. I believe it wouldn't be prudent to explain further. I hope I haven't impeded your business too much."

"Hah!" I said, slapping Remyn on the back. "An elf that says sorry! Wonders never cease, eh? Not to worry Remyn, I'm sure one day we'll meet again and have a good laugh about all this!"

Remyn spoke to the comely lass now. "Ardas Telvanni... I believe I recognize that name. He's an... unconventional fighter that some of the councilors hire to protect themselves from assassination, isn't he? He's known to disguise himself as a guards, I believe."

"Telvanni don't have rights." The lass spat on the ground. "I hope he's dead."

"Well, this has been a wonderful trip to remember, but I have to get on the bug." I said, getting on the bug. And so I took one last look at the Stoneforest, and I waved goodbye to Remyn, as he reluctantly waved back to me. And the bug strode off down the river Odai (a stupid name if you ask me - I'd have called it something like Markgran River), while I checked my belongings to make sure Remyn hadn't taken my writ.

• • • • 
        

 
Publisher's Note

A subtle difference is often the only difference that matters.

A particular variant of the common murder mystery, rarely read outside Morrowind, is "find the Morag Tong". The characters, once introduced, are trying to uncover the identity of an assassin out to kill them before the deed has been committed. They usually fail. While not quite on par with a Fuchon Cire mystery, the late Ferana Adrethi had plans to wrap up the Dunce with such a mystery, as nod to her literary roots. Alternate plans exist to have Remyn be the assassin, but were not considered.

With this, the tale of the "Dunce in Morrowind" comes to an end. However, Frolja Silver-Blood and the Sneezing Horker Historical Society of Winterhold continue to witness sequels in all shapes and sizes as the College attempts to teach them. For them and for us, this story never really ends, it just moves elsewhere.

So drink and be merry, for you too could be a Dunce one day!